“ambedo n. a kind of melacholic trance in which you become completely absorbed in vivid sensory details—raindrops skittering down a window, tall trees leaning in the wind, clouds of cream swirling in your coffee—which leads to a dawning awareness of the haunting fragility of life, a mood whose only known cure is the vuvuzela.”
I cried for such a long time last night after realizing how much my parents have fucked my life over. Mostly my mom but that wouldn’t be fair to put all the blame on her just bc I’m a daddy’s girl. It’s such an awful feeling to know someone you love and trust with your life is the most dishonest, hurtful person ever. I just can’t wrap my head around all of this. For so long I just wanted to pretend my life was somewhat normal but I was so fucking wrong to ever believe it was true. I have no idea how to fix this, or escape it. I’m just a dramatic fragile and emotional little girl so when I tell you that you ruined my life, it must mean that I’m just being “me”. I just want someone to admit they fucked up for once so I can come to terms with all this betrayal. And not a half ass “we weren’t the best parents but atleast you guys knew we loved you no matter what” bullshit. I want someone to fucking apologize for making me so fucked up in the head. I want them to apologize for ruining any sort of childhood I could’ve had. And I want them to apologize for continuing to ruin my life to this day.